I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
