It was confusing and full of hummus
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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