There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
