I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
