I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
