Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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