Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
