At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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