my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
