you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
