then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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