my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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