ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
