if i can run in heels then i can drive
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
