smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
