Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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