his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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