it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
