You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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