In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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