She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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