I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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