Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Pants are for mortals
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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