My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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