im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
