i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
