There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
