Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
