It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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