Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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