You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
