Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
im on a boat
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