Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
please don't ironically join a cult
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