why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize