i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
