I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so let's talk penis.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
