Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
