No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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