no, he came in my armpit
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Randomize
