I want to make a zoo with you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
