While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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