My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
