My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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