DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize