i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
