By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
