I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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