I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
