all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
