How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
