She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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