Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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