your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You need Xanax blowdarts
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
