I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
