My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
