I just threw up on my dentist
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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