I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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