I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
