K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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