If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
