Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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