why didn't you poke me back
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
