I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I love you.
Bad choice
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
