I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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